


DON'T SHUT ME OUT

by ncsupnatfan



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-21
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:42:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4918201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ncsupnatfan/pseuds/ncsupnatfan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This takes place in season 2 episode 17-Heart. This is my version of what Sam might have gone through and how Dean handles it. This won't be a long story, but hope you will enjoy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The wheels of the Impala ate up the road as he pushed harder on the gas pedal sending it down the lonely back road toward another no name motel. He glanced over at the sleeping passenger beside him that twitched and stiffened in his sleep, then relaxed. His brother looked so innocent and young as his head lolled against the cool glass and his mouth hung slightly open where the first signs of drool were beginning to form. His face was relaxed and free of stress or worry lines, he looked so much like that little five year old, so alive and so full of questions. 

Dean turned back to the road and stared ahead of him clenching his jaw as he remembered the past month that had about killed him and almost took his brother from him. It started after the hunt in San Francisco. They were sure a werewolf was killing people there and was connected to a girl named Madison, only to find out she had been bitten by a werewolf in a mugging a month prior. Going on a theory from their Dad, Dean goes searching for the werewolf that bit her in hopes it would break the cycle. The brothers stayed up all night with Madison to see if she was going to turn again and stop her if needed. When she didn't turn, Dean left them alone hoping his little brother would score. Sam and Madison give in to their pent up attraction and make passionate love. But that night, as a full moon rises, Sam woke to find Madison had turned and can not stop her from escaping. Madison calls them next morning with no memory of turning or killing people and is devastated when she learns there is no cure. Knowing she can't live like this, she asks Sam to kill her before she hurts anyone else. Sam is heartbroken that there is nothing they can do to save her. Dean offers to take her life, but Sam says he will since that is what she asks. Dean waited in the other room while Sam took his gun with silver bullets and ended Madison's life. 

The brothers moved on, but Dean could see how badly this affected Sam. He became withdrawn and quiet, more so than usual and this should of thrown red flags, but Dean didn't see them at first thinking Sam would get over it and move on. He never thought Sam would go to the extreme measures he did and Dean was lucky to have found him in time. He thought back over the past month and wished he had acted sooner.

spn

"Hey, I'm going to get some food wanna come?" Dean asked his brother.

"No." Sam mumbled as he typed on his laptop not looking up at his brother.

"You ok bro?" Dean questioned knowing Sam had taken it hard when he had to kill that Madison girl a few weeks ago. 

"Yeah, I'm fine." Sam answered sipping on a beer. 

"Right." Dean said watching his brother who didn't really drink sipping on his second beer in less than an hour. "I'll be back in a few." 

Sam didn't answer or even look up as he walked out the door. Dean gritted his teeth knowing his brother was still in a funk and was trying to figure how to pull him out of it.

As the door shut, Sam looked up and went to the window to be sure Dean got in the car and left. He watched the Impala pull away from the motel and grabbed his coat before heading out the door. Sam made his way around the building and toward the main part of the town. He walked, shoulders hunched against the cool wind blowing down the street. Having to kill Madison really did a number on him and he was not handling it well, but he didn't want Dean to know about it.

When he had to kill Madison, it broke something in him. He couldn't get her face out of his mind, every time he closed his eyes all he saw was her tortured face looking up at him telling him to do it, to end her young life. Hot tears streamed down both their faces as she took his trembling hand holding the gun and brought it to her chest pressing the barrel of the gun to her chest before looking up into his eyes. A look of understanding reflected in her eyes as she nodded slightly yes. A sob escaped Sam's lips as his finger tightened on the trigger and a loud gun shot echoed through the room. He caught Madison's body as she slumped to the floor. He watched the light go out of her dark eyes that were staring at him as she breathed her last breath. Sam reached down with trembling fingers and closed her eyelids over her blank eyes.

Sam pushed those images away and entered the bar looking for a quiet corner. He took a stool at the end of the scarred wooden bar and waited for the bartender to come his way. 

"What can I get ya?" the man asked as he placed a napkin in front of Sam.

"Beer and a double Jack." he ordered dully. 

"Coming up." he answered, turning to draw a beer. He sat that down in front of Sam and picked up a bottle of Jack to pour the double.

"Thanks." Sam mumbled looking at the glass of amber liquid in front of him. He ran a finger around the rim before picking it up and downing it in two huge swallows. Tears burned his eyes as the liquid hit his empty stomach sending flames throughout his body. He sucked in a hard breathe and coughed once before chasing it with a sip of beer. Sam rubbed his tired eyes as the liquor helped to numb his mind. He motioned again for a double hoping this would make those memories go away. 

spn

Dean unlocked to door to their room and stepped in.

"Hey, got ya..." Dean trailed off looking around the room and not seeing his brother. He looked to bathroom and saw it empty too. Glancing quickly around, he saw both their bags still sitting by the bed and Sam's laptop still sitting on the table. 

"Sonovabitch." Dean growled tossing the food on the table and heading back out to look for his brother.

After looking around the lot, he headed toward the front of the motel trying to think like his brother. Dean turned toward main street and began walking, looking into each business that he passed. He looked further down the street and saw the bar on the corner. Dean made a bee line for the bar pausing at the door to still himself. 

The bar was dimly lit and it took a minute for his eyes to adjust so he could do a quick scan. His eyes landed on a familiar hulking form at the end of the bar. He made his way toward the bar pausing a few stools away. 

“What can I get ya?” the bartender asked him wiping the spot in front of him.

“How much has he had?” Dean asked quietly nodding toward his brother.

“To much, I cut him off ten minutes ago.” he answered looking down at Sam. “You know him?”

“Yeah, I’ll take care of him.” 

Dean walked slowly toward his brother who was barely able to hold himself upright. Dean watched him trying to lift his mug to drink the remaining beer in the glass. 

“Hey, I think you’ve had enough.” Dean told him, pulling the mug from his hand.

“G’ve m' .” Sam slurred trying to retrieve the mug and almost falling off the stool. 

“Whoa, come on; let’s get ya back to the motel.” Dean sighed grabbing his brother before he fell.

Dean grunted as he took the weight of his brother’s huge form. He got an arm under Sam’s and around his waist getting a firm grip on the waist of his jeans and shuffled him toward the door. Sam mumbled incoherently as Dean led them out of the bar and back toward the motel. He stopped once when Sam began to gag knowing he was about to upchuck. 

The bile began to rise, bitter and foul tasting as Sam coughed and gagged spitting the vile substance from his mouth. He leaned heavily on the wall of a building as Dean kept him on his feet. Sam watched the world turn sideways as he tried to stay on his feet. He felt another wave of nausea hit him as more liquid spewed from his mouth onto the concrete. 

“Get it all out S‘mmy.” Dean grimaced having been in Sam’s position more times than he wanted to count.

“Ugh! Dee.” Sam gagged as he trembled under Dean’s hold. 

“I know bro; think ya can make it just a little further?”

Sam coughed and spit one more time before nodding, not trusting his voice if he even had one. He leaned heavily on his brother as they made their way to the motel parking lot and on around to their room. Dean unlocked the door and shifted Sam inside heading for the bed. 

“N..n..” Sam stuttered pulling away from Dean to stumble toward the bathroom. He had a hand to his mouth as he bounced off the wall into the bathroom falling to his knees and dry heaving into the commode.  
He continued to gag as his stomach twisted in tight knots making him groan in pain. 

Dean grabbed a washcloth and ran cold water over it, rung it out before placing the cold cloth on the back of his neck. He gripped Sam’s shoulder, squeezing it gently to let him know he was there. Sam’s body shook under his hand as he drew in shaky, short breathes. After a couple of minutes, Sam eased back from the commode and flushed it.

“Lean on me.” Dean offered helping his brother to stand on rubbery legs. He flipped the seat lid down and sat his brother on it. Dean took the washcloth and rewet it so he could wipe Sam’s pale, sweaty face while brushing his long hair out of the way. 

“Here, rinse ya mouth.” he told him filling a glass with water and handing it to his brother.

Sam accepted the glass and with a trembling hand brought the glass to his lips sipping the water and leaning to the side to spit in the sink. He repeated this again before swallowing a small amount of water. 

“Think ya can make it to the bed?” 

Sam nodded once before stilling himself to stand. Slowly and carefully he braced himself and pushed up from his seat. Dean got a good grip on the waist of his jeans before moving with him out of the bathroom and toward his bed. He jerked back the covers and deposited Sam on the bed guiding the upper part of his body down to the mattress. He bent down and quickly unlaced his brother’s boots to remove them before swinging his legs up on the mattress. Sam was pretty much passed out and let his head loll off the pillow until Dean repositioned it to make him more comfortable. He pulled the covers up over his limp form as Sam began to snore softly.

Dean sat heavily into a chair at the table and looked at the cold dinner still sitting on the table. This was like the fourth time in the past two weeks Sam had drunk himself into a state of unconsciousness. He knew it had to do with their last hunt. This wasn’t the only changes Dean had noticed with Sam. He was barely eating and hardly sleeping unless he was passed out drunk. Sam tried to hide it, but Dean could see the guilt, sadness and unhappiness that surrounded him. His mood had been really shitty the past two week and it took all Dean’s will power to not deck him. 

Not feeling hungry anymore, Dean tossed the bag in the mini fridge before snagging his bathroom bag, sleep clothes and heading for the bathroom to shower.   
spn

After checking on Sam, Dean flipped on the radio, adjusted the volume down and found a radio station to his liking; he dropped on the bed throwing an arm over his face. He was tired and worried about his brother’s state of mind wondering what he could do. He drifted off deciding to head for Bobby’s in the morning. Right now, Sam was not safe to be hunting and he hoped maybe being at Bobby’s would help him get over this funky state of mind he was in. He couldn't get Sam to talk to him and knew the guilt was trying to devour him. It was not like Sam to be so closed off with him, in fact it was the other way around. He was usually the one who shut everyone out and refused to talk about his feelings. He had to find some way of getting through to his brother and pulling him out of this slump.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The sun had not broke across the horizon when Dean was pulled out of a light doze by moaning and unintelligible words coming from the bed beside him. Dean was out of his bed and by his brother's side in seconds watching him toss and fight the covers.

"Hey, hey man, wake up." Dean urged grabbing Sam's arms to stop him from hitting him or hurting himself. 

"Plea-es! I can't!" Sam begged still more asleep than awake. 

"Sammy, damnit wake up!" Dean growled as he shook him trying to get him to focus on him. 

Sam groaned and blinked hard trying to see what was holding him as he pulled on his arms trying to get free. A blurred shape loomed over him and he fought back.

"Stop fighting, it's me Sammy." Dean grunted holding him down, trying not to hurt him. "Sammy!"

Sam stopped struggling when a familiar voice broke through his fuzzy mind and he stopped fighting. As his vision began to clear, he could see Dean looking down at him with a worried look. 

"Dee." he finally croaked out recognizing his brother. 

"Ya with me now?" Dean asked letting go of his arms as Sam tried to sit up. "Easy there, let me grab some water and aspirin." 

"Ok." he whispered adjusting a pillow so he could lean back against the headboard, closing his eyes as he tried to slow his breathing and heart rate. 

"Here, take these." Dean said holding out some aspirin and a bottle of water while frowning at his brother's stringy, mess of bed hair. He could see some matting of the hair around his face and was sure it was dried vomit.

Sam accepted the offerings without fuss and took the aspirin, washing it down with the cold water. He let the liquid settle in his stomach before sipping another mouth full of the water savoring how good it felt on his raw throat.

Dean sat on the bed beside him and gave him a quick once over noticing how pale he still looked and the dark circles starting under his eyes. 

"Wanna talk 'bout it?" he asked his brother quietly.

"No." Sam replied concentrating on the water bottle he was holding, clenching his jaw and drawing his mouth in a tight line not willing to share.

"You smell like crap, you wanna get a shower 'fore we head out? You're not gettin' in my Baby this stinky." Dean said, knowing from his look, it wouldn't do any good to push him. He got up and stood by the bed waiting for him to get up.

"I guess." he mumbled just loud enough for Dean to hear. Sam sat his water down and swung his legs off the bed pausing long enough to let the room stop spinning. He slowly stood up being sure he had his balance before focusing on walking to the bathroom. 

"We're heading for Bobby's as soon as you're finished." Dean informed Sam as he stopped to grab some clean clothes.

"Alright." 

Sam continued to the bathroom closing the door behind him and leaning against it as the pounding in his head got worse and the unshed tears flowed down his face. He squeezed his eyes tight wondering if he would ever run out of tears. He had shed so many over the past two weeks he's surprised there were still any left. Sam bit back the sob so not to alert Dean. He knew Dean was trying to help, but the ache and sorrow he felt was his burden to bear and deal with in his own way.

After pulling himself together, Sam stripped out of his smelly, vomit splattered clothes and turned the water on as hot as he could stand it. His sucked in a deep breathe while stepping into the hot, streaming spray, letting it pound on his chest. He stuck his face in the water to wash away the sweat and tears and caught a mouth full of hot water to rinse his foul tasting mouth. He could still taste that slight hint of puke in the back of his throat that almost caused him to start gagging. He spit the water out and swallowed hard willing his stomach to stop rolling and churning so he could get done with his shower. He grabbed the shampoo, squirted a blob in his hand and began to wash his too long hair. After rinsing he repeated the process before using the conditioner. Some of the tension left his tight shoulders as he soaped his body and stood under the spray allowing it to beat on his back. The hot water was turning tepid when he finally shut it off and stepped out. He grabbed the cheap hotel towel and began to dry his lean body. 

Sam stood at the sink looking at his reflection in the mirror seeing the haunted look on his face. He picked up his briefs and slid them on, then shook out his jeans and stepped into them. Sam frowned slightly when he noticed how loose around the waist they were, pulling them back up as they slid down on his hips. Looking back at the mirror, he decided against shaving, it just didn't seem important and would take too much energy. He pulled his tee shirt over his head and ran his fingers through his still damp hair trying to tame it down. He pulled out his toothbrush and paste hoping he could brush away the potty mouth he still had.

Stepping out of the bathroom, Sam found Dean had their bags packed and sitting on the bed. Dean looked up at him as he paused in the doorway for a moment before walking slowly to his bag and stuffing his clothes in it before zipping it up. 

"We'll stop for some coffee on the way out. Want anythin' to eat?" 

"No." Sam grimaced swallowing back the urge to gag at the thought of food. He picked his bag up and followed his brother out of the room and to the Impala. After tossing his bag in the trunk, he went to the passenger side and got in, slumping down in the seat and adjusting his long legs to get comfortable.

Dean climbed into the driver's seat and settled in, cranking the car and pulling out of the parking lot. He was going to stop at the diner at the end of the street and run in to get coffee for both of them. They were about twelve hours from Bobby's and Dean planned on driving straight through.

spn

Darkness had chased away the light of day as Dean turned onto the road leading to the salvage yard. Dean slowed down when he saw the salvage yard ahead and signaled to turn into driveway. He pulled up to the house and parked, killing the engine. 

"Hey, we're here." Dean called to his brother shaking his shoulder to wake him. 

The huddled form of his brother grunted and began to move around when he realized the car had stopped moving. He looked out and recognized the junkyard before opening the door and getting out.

Dean had moved to the Impala's trunk and was getting their bags out as Sam stumbled out of the car taking a second to get his balance. He stretched his tall body trying to get the kinks out of his back when Dean shoved his bag in his arms before heading for the door.

"Boys!" Bobby greeted from the porch. He had heard the Impala pull in and was waiting for them.

"Bobby, good to see ya." Dean smiled accepting Bobby's brief hug.

"Bobby." Sam spoke dully stopping beside Dean for a moment. "I'm gonna head on upstairs."

Bobby frowned and watched the young hunter head into the house and up the stairs. He turned to his brother who looked worried as he followed his brother with his eyes until he disappeared up the stairs. 

"Wanna tell me what's going on son?"

"Got a cold one?" Dean sighed heading inside.

"Yeah, fridge." 

Dean dropped his bag at the stairs and followed Bobby into the kitchen, grabbing a couple of beers out of the fridge. He joined Bobby at the kitchen table setting a beer in front of him before dropping into a seat across from him.

Bobby eyed the young hunter as he took a long draw on the beer before sitting it down and picking at the label as his mind whirled quickly trying to decide the best way to tell him. Bobby waited patiently as he watched the emotions flitting across Dean's face. 

Dean stared hard at the beer as he wet his lips before steeling himself to speak.

"That last hunt really did a number on him." Dean spoke softly without looking up. He knew Bobby didn't know what had happened on the hunt, only they took out two werewolves. 

"Wanna elaborate son?"

"We knew after seeing the body, it was a werewolf attack. At first we thought he was killing because of this girl Madison. She was a nice girl; Sam took a liking to her. He stayed to protect her and I went looking for a jealous ex-boyfriend thinking he was the werewolf." Dean recited while staring at his bottle of beer. "We were wrong, wasn't the ex, it was that girl Madison. I tagged her with a silver knife, but she knocked me out. I called Sam when I came to and he tied her up until I could get back to her place. What was strange, when we questioned her, she knew nothing about turning and killing people. No memory at all, she thought we were nuts, psychos." Dean laughed humorlessly. 

Bobby sipped on his beer as he waited patiently for him to continue at his own pace. 

"Dad had a theory that maybe if ya killed the werewolf that bit someone, it would cure them. I didn't really think it would work, but Sam, he was adamant at trying it, he wanted to save Madison. She was innocent, she never asked for that. I went hunting for the werewolf and Sam stayed with her. She broke loose when the moon came out, but Sam got her in a closet and I found the one who bit her. It was her neighbor, a shy, nerdy guy, whom had no idea either. You ever hear of that Bobby?"

"No, can't say I have." 

"Poor bastard didn't have a clue. He died not understanding why I shot him. We staked out Madison's apartment, you know just to be sure, but she saw us and invited us to wait upstairs with her. That was the longest night I think I've had, but she didn't turn. We actually thought it worked, that she was cured. I left, you know hoping Sammy would score with her. He called me that night, she had changed and he couldn't stop her from getting away. We looked for her all night but didn't find her. She called Sam early that morning in a panic. She had no idea where she was or what had happened. We went and got her, there was blood on her clothes. It destroyed her knowing that she probably killed someone again. She asked Sam to kill her; she couldn’t live knowing that she was killing people and had no control over it.” Dean sighed sipping on the beer to wet his dry mouth. “She wanted Sam to do it because she couldn’t do it herself. I offered to do it, but he wouldn’t let me. He took his gun and ended her life. Afterwards, he changed. I think it broke him. He doesn’t sleep, won’t eat, he’s going out and getting falling down drunk, hell he won’t take a shower unless I fuss at him and the nightmares are still happening even thought he tries to hide it.” 

“Dean, you know Sam’s too sensitive for his own good. That kid has a heart of gold and wants to save everyone and you and I know that’s not always possible.” Bobby explained. “If that didn’t affect yer brother, I would be extremely concerned. From what yur telling me, I’d say he’s going through a bout of depression. Hell! We’ve all had a touch of it one time or another. It’s comes with the hunter life. Has he talked to ya ‘bout it?”

“No, I’ve tried, but he keeps shutting me out, won’t talk to me. It‘s not like I can take him to a shrink and say, my brother had to shoot a girl he screwed because she turned out to be a werewolf and was killing people.”

“Don’t quit trying, he’s gonna need somebody to help him through this.”

“Ya know I won’t, he’s my brother.”

“Ya know, it might not be a bad idea to check out depression online. Learn more ‘bout it, what ya can do, what ya need to be lookin‘ for.”

“Yeah, that does sound good.” Dean nodded, getting up and heading for his bags. He brought his laptop back to the kitchen table and opening it up. 

Bobby left his adopted son at the table pouring over his computer, lost in his research. He planned on doing a little of his own in hopes of helping his family. He didn’t want either brother facing this alone.

spn

It was several hours later that Dean finally closed his laptop rubbing his tired eyes. He didn’t know there could be so much information out there on depression. It had overloaded his mind with all the data. He pulled his tired body up from the table and made his way upstairs. 

Dean stopped in the doorway of their bedroom and looked in on his sleeping brother. Sam had left a small lamp on between the bed and the glow reflected off his pinched face. Even in sleep he couldn’t seem to find rest. Dean turned to the bathroom to brush his teeth and get rid of the beers he just consumed. 

As quietly as he could, Dean walked to his bed and sat down to unlace and remove his boots. He didn't even bother to change clothes before stretching out on his bed. He didn't bother to turn the dim lamp off, thinking maybe it gave his brother some comfort. Between the twelve hour drive and the several hours of research, he was exhausted and sleep pulled him under quickly.

spn

Sam lay still for five more minutes as he listened to Dean's breathing even out and before opening his eyes and looking at his shadowed profile. He had dozed for a few minutes until her face invaded his dreams and woke him. He slowly sat up being sure Dean didn't move as his socked feet hit the floor. Sam hadn't bothered to change clothes except to shed his long sleeved shirt. He stood by the bed for a moment before heading for the door as quietly as he could. 

Someone had left a small lamp on in the living room that cast the room in shadows. He looked around but didn't see Bobby in either room as he made his way to the kitchen. Not wanting to disturb Bobby, he left the kitchen light off and used the light from the outdoor lighting in the back yard to move around the room. Sam opened the cabinet where Bobby kept his liquor and moved the bottles around clinking them loudly as he found the whiskey. He paused and looked over his shoulder waiting to see if anyone heard.

There were clean glasses in the dish strainer and he picked one up sitting it on the table. Sam opened the bottle and poured a large shot of whiskey into the glass. He stilled himself and downed the fiery liquid in one gulp, coughing softly as the whiskey burned his throat and spread warmth through his body. He poured another shot and hesitated for only a moment before gulping it down too. He sat the glass by the bottle before stepping to the cabinets and started opening each one. He searched for Bobby's first aid kit and found it on his fifth try, pulling it from the shelf. Sam had just unzipped the bag and opened it when the light for the kitchen flipped on startling him.

"Sam?" Bobby questioned carefully watching Sam's expression turn to one of a deer caught in headlights.  
"What ya doing son?"

"I-er-I had a headache..." he said quickly zipping the kit back up and shoving it in the open cabinet. "I was looking for some aspirin." he finished as he felt his cheeks grow hot, embarrassed at being caught.

“Hm-m.” Bobby replied glancing at the bottle and glass on the table and back at Sam not believing a word he was saying. He looked at his adopted son‘s bloodshot, red rimmed eyes and the grey pallor of his face as Sam fidgeted trying to look innocent. “There’s a bottle in yer bathroom upstairs, where it always is.” 

“Ok...Sure...Thanks.” he answered taking one step to the fridge for a bottle of water and turning to the table reaching for the bottle of whiskey. 

“That’s ok; I’ll put that away for yer.” Bobby commented as he watched Sam’s hand tremble slightly just inches from it. He saw a sad look cross his face for a split second before disappearing leaving a blank look. Sam nodded slightly and started to walk out of the room when Bobby’s voice stopped him. “Son, ya know... If ya wanna talk about anything, me and yer brother are here. Ya don’t need to do this alone.” he spoke softly like he was afraid of scaring him off.

Sam still has his back to Bobby as his posture stiffened slightly and his steps faltered for a moment before continuing on toward the stairs without answering him. Bobby stared sadly at the troubled boy as he walked slowly up the steps hoping he would confide in either him or Dean and not let this guilt eat him alive. He took the whiskey bottle and capped it, putting it back in the cabinet. It didn’t get pass the older hunter that Sam was searching for something and it might be a good idea to talk to Dean in the morning about Sam‘s midnight roaming. They both needed to keep a close on him until he pulled himself out of this depressive state.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

It was midmorning when Bobby wandered back into the kitchen to find Dean at the table sipping coffee. He looked around and glanced into the other room searching for the missing Winchester.

"Where's yer brother?"

"Still in bed." Dean grunted. "If he ain't up in thirty more minutes, I'm jerking his sorry ass out of bed or dousing him with ice water."

"Found him down here last night after ya went to bed."

"Doing what?" 

"Not sure, there was an opened whiskey bottle on the table and he was searching the cabinets for something. Said he was lookin' for aspirin, but ya both know I keep some upstairs in yer bathroom."

"Did he say anything else?"

"Wern't very talkative, I’m thinkin’ we need to watch him closely until he puts this behind him." 

"How much did..." Dean trailed off when he heard footstep on the stairs. He looked toward the door and a rumpled, sickly looking Sam made his way into the room. "Crap Sammy, did ya get any sleep?" 

"Little." he mumbled helping himself to a cup of coffee. 

"Want some breakfast?" Bobby asked his adopted son.

"No, I'm good." 

"Sam, you gotta eat, ya clothes are falling off ya."

"I'll eat when I'm hungry!" Sam snapped at him irritability before taking his cup and heading out of the room away from Dean.

"Damnit!" Dean grumbled madly.

"Easy son, ya don't wanna make him shut us out completely." Bobby cautioned him. 

"This is what I've been dealing with; he's almost despondent one minute and the next he blows up at nothing."

"Dean, ya gotta be patient with him right now."

"I know, I know." he replied more calmly, but with a hint of despair. 

"I've gotta deliver some parts this afternoon, why don't ya see if he'll go with ya on a supply run, restock the fridge." 

"Alright, anything specific ya need?"

"Milk and eggs, get some things to cook for dinner, I think ya need to plan on staying for a few days at least." 

"Yeah, I'm hoping being here will help."

"Just let him know yer there for him son. He needs to know he's not alone. I'll be back close to dinner time."

"Alright." 

Dean watched Bobby fill a travel cup with coffee before heading out the back door leaving him alone in the kitchen. He pushed himself up from the table and went in search of his bitchy brother. 

spn

Dean wandered the house but didn't find his brother sulking anywhere inside. He headed outside and began to walk among the wrecks stacked behind the house. In the back corner of the lot, he saw a familiar head sticking up from behind a wrecked pickup. Dean walked slowly toward the bed where he found his brother sitting on the tailgate staring off across the field into the woods. He didn't acknowledge Dean as he walked closer and stopped by the wreck.

"Hey." Dean said breaking the silence hanging around them.

Sam remained motionless not bothering to answer him. 

"Mind if I join ya?"

Even though he didn't get an answer, he sat down beside him on the tailgate and looked the way Sam was looking. He squinted trying to figure out what they were supposed to be looking at as Sam ignored him.

"Look, you don't have to say anythin', but ya can listen to me." Dean started. "I know what you had to do was devastating, but you know if there was any way we could of saved her we would have. She accepted her fate, she told us she couldn't live like that, knowin' she couldn't control what she became and knowin' she would kill. Sammy we didn't have a choice, it had to be done." Dean paused and waited to see if Sam would talk. When Sam didn't respond, Dean continued on. "Sammy, you gotta let it go, look at what it's doing to you. You know I'm here for ya, so is Bobby. You don't have to go through this alone; I'm here if and when ya wanna talk. Bobby wants us to go on a supply run; I'll wait in the car for you." 

Dean laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed gently only to feel Sam stiffen under his touch. He didn't move away, but he still didn't acknowledge him. He patted him once on the back and got up walking slowly back toward the house. Sam felt his presence leave and wanted to call out to him, but couldn't make the words come out. He snuck a glance over his shoulder as he watched Dean turn the corner and disappear. Sam slumped his body forward and let his head hang down so the tears could drip from his face to the ground. Everything was so scrambled in his head right now he didn't know what to do. He was afraid to sleep for fear of reliving that moment when he pulled the trigger over and over. He saw the blossom of blood forming on her chest where the bullet entered and watched it grow as he guided her to the floor. The image faded from his mind as he let his trembling body slide down onto the ground. He leaned back against the truck and madly wiped the tears from his eyes.

spn

Dean sat in his Baby waiting to see if Sam was going to join him. Sam had not said a word to him, had not even looked at him, but he hoped his words had penetrated his thick skull. 

The minutes ticked by and Dean was just getting ready to leave when the passenger door opened and Sam slid into the seat. Dean paused for a moment giving his brother a sideway glance before cranking the Impala and heading down the driveway. Sam let his gaze wander to the scenery that flew by as they headed for Sioux Falls to do the supply run.

spn

Sam pushed the shopping cart down an aisle stopping to pick up some pasta and toss it in the cart. He looked down the aisle and behind him trying to find Dean. He hated to shop with him; it was like trying to keep up with a five year old. He grabbed a jar of sauce and headed down to the end of the aisle finally seeing Dean at the meat section. 

“Do ya want a roast or chicken?” Dean asked Sam as he pushed the cart beside him.

“Don’t care?” he shrugged disinterested.

“What the hell, I’ll get both.” Dean grunted picking up a roast, a couple packs of ground beef and a pack of chicken. “Did ya get milk and eggs?”

“Yeah.” 

“Good, oh laundry detergent, we need to do laundry.” 

“Ok.” 

“You go get that, I need to pick up some socks, all mine have holes, you need some?”

“Ok.”

“Meet ya at the front to check out.” 

Dean strolled off toward the clothes and glanced back to be sure Sam wasn’t watching or following. He detoured to the electronics section and began looking for what he needed. Once he paid for his purchase, he headed to the men’s clothing section to grab some socks for both of them.

spn

“How ‘bout stopping for a sandwich at the diner?” Dean broached once they were back in the car. “The meats and cold things are in the cooler, so they should be good.”

“Ok.” Sam replied just loud enough for Dean to hear. 

“Alright, man I can taste a bacon cheese burger already.” Dean smiled pulling from the lot and heading out toward the diner. 

The diner parking lot was half full and Dean pulled toward the back of the lot to find a place. He wanted to keep his Baby from getting dings if possible. They got out of the car and made their way to the front entrance of the diner. 

“Hello, two for lunch?”

“Yeah and a booth would be good.” Dean answered the hostess who led them toward the back and to a booth.

“Your waitress is Mia; she’ll be with you shortly.”

“What looks good Sammy?” Dean asked opening the menu and looking at it. 

Sam opened his menu, but didn’t answer Dean except with a shrug. Both were reading over the menu when a young, cute girl bounced to their table.  
“Hi, my name is Mia, what can I get ya to drink?” she bubbled giving each a once over.

“Sweet tea with lemon.” Dean replied a little overwhelmed with her perkiness.

“Water.” Sam told her quietly.

“Come on Sammy, you need some calories, bring him a sweet tea too.” Dean fussed.

“I’ll bring both.” she chirped heading to the drink station.

“Sam, don’t blow up at me again, but please eat something.” Dean begged softly. “Even if it’s only rabbit food.”

A twitch of a smile played across his lips, if only for a moment as he moved his menu for the waitress to sit his water and tea.

“Are you ready to order or do you need a few more minutes?”

“I’ll have a bacon double cheese burger with fries and a piece of apple pie.” 

“And you sir?” she asked Sam batting her eyes at him and giving her best smile. 

Sam didn’t notice her, but Dean saw the flirting wishing his brother would. He’d love to tease him, but Sam wasn’t even looking at her.

“Baked potato and house salad, ranch dressing.” Sam told her handing the menu to her.

“I’ll put this in and bring ya some hot rolls.” 

“Thanks sweetheart.” Dean teased winking at her and causing her to blush. 

Sam picked up his tea and took a sip letting the sweetness linger on his tongue for a moment before swallowing. The sweetness was almost too much for his rolling stomach, but managed to keep it down. 

Mia was back with hot rolls as promised and sat the basket between the brothers. Dean hungrily grabbed a roll and broke it open to add butter before biting off a large bite. 

“Mm-mm, so good.” Dean commented pushing the basket closer to Sam hoping he would take one. 

After a moment Sam put a roll on his plate, tore a small piece off and put it in his mouth chewing slowly. Dean had already devoured his when Sam was on his second bite. Dean nodded to the last roll in the basket and scooped it up when Sam pushed it closer to him. With a grin, he scooped it up and started eating it. 

spn

“I’ll get the ice chest, grab a couple of bag.” Dean instructed his brother as they began to unload the car with their purchases. 

Dean popped the trunk and grunted as he picked up the ice chest to lug into the house. Sam looped the handles of plastic bags through his fingers so he could carry them inside. Dean was putting the meats, fresh vegetables, milk, eggs and yogurt in the fridge while Sam sat the bags on the counter. He went back out for the remaining couple of bags putting them with the others. 

“Get ya dirty clothes out, I’m starting a load in a few minutes.” 

“Ok.” he answered shuffling off toward the stairs.

Dean watched him walk away wondering how long he was going to answer with just one word. Dean was running out of ideas of how to snap him out of this state of mind and he was worried about his brother’s health. He had lost way too much weight and was hardly eating at all to put it back on. Dean had gotten him to eat half his baked potato and a little of his salad before he quit eating. Dean was going to keep trying to get Sam to open up to him during the next few days. He was not giving up on his brother and he would do whatever he had to to bring him around.

spn

Several days later, Dean made his way into the kitchen looking for that first cup of coffee to wake him up.  
He made a bee line for the pot and poured a cup, sighing as sipped the hot liquid.

“How’s yer brother today?” Bobby asked looking up from reading the paper.

“Still getting one word answers, he’s trying not to sleep and when he does, he cries out from nightmares.” Dean replied rubbing a hand over his tired face.

“Have you gotten any sleep?”

“Not much.” Dean yawned widely.

“Where is he?”

“He finally dozed off about thirty minutes ago.”

“If ya not busy wanna help me work on a couple of cars?”

“Yeah, I can do that.” he said putting jam on a piece of toast to take with him as he followed Bobby out the door and toward the garage behind the house.

spn

“Please you have to do it.” a crying Madison begged Sam as she stood in front of him.

Sam looked down and saw he had his gun in his hand and looked back up to see empty eyes staring up at him from the floor. He saw the dark hole in her chest and watched blood bubble from it. A sob escaped his lips, when suddenly Madison sat up holding out her arms to him.

“Come with me, join me.” she called to him those empty eyes pulling him in. “You know what to do. You know it‘s the right thing to do. Join me and all the pain and hurt will be gone. We can be together.” Madison called to him as she reached her arms up to him.

Sam muffled his cries in his pillow when he jerked himself awake and quickly looked around not seeing Dean in his bed. Sam laid his head back on the pillow and worked on slowing his fast beating heart. His dreams were getting worse and more confusing. He drug his weary body from the bed and grabbed some clean clothes before heading to the bathroom for a shower. He thought about his last dream wondering if he was being haunted or if his subconscious was working against him. His body was showing the affects of no sleep as he peered at his reflection in the mirror. The shadows under his eyes were darker and looked like bruises on his pale, grayish face. His eyes seemed permanently bloodshot and his hair hung dull, limp and stringy. If he continued to loose weight, he was going to need some smaller jeans to keep them up. 

Sam started the shower and waited for the hot water to kick in before stepping into the hot steaming spray. He sucked in a quick breath as the hot water took some of the chill from his cold body. It seemed he couldn’t get warm and stay warm anymore. The hot water made him shiver while he quickly washed his hair and soaped down his body. The bathroom was warm and steamy, but his body trembled slightly while he dried off. He quickly slipped on his clothes and headed downstairs looking for his brother or Bobby. 

He stopped in the kitchen and poured a cup of coffee adding sugar and milk before continuing his search. He didn't find anyone in the house, so he headed out the front door and paused, listening to a buzzing coming from behind the house. He headed for the noise to find Dean under a car and Bobby working on another. He wandered around the cars for a moment before finding a chair to sit in and watch them work. He was not one to work on cars; he’d rather work on computers.

“Hey, wanna hand me an adjustable wrench?” Dean asked him when he saw him sitting at the door.

Sam got up and looked in the tool box hunting the tool Dean wanted. He finally found one and handed it down to him. Dean slid back under the car and tightened several clamps before sliding out. 

“Wanna see if she’ll turn over?”

Sam opened the door and got behind the wheel to try and crank the car. He pumped the gas twice before turning the key. The engine groaned and sputtered before catching and running a little rough but running. 

“Alright, ya got your’s running old man?” 

“Working on it jackass.” Bobby growled back at him as he worked on replacing a radiator hose.

“Want me to get some lunch goin’?” 

“I’ll be another hour at least.”

“Need help?”

“Naw, go get yer brother some food, I’ll be in when I get these two hoses replaced.”

Dean pulled the tools and let the car down off the jack moving it to the side.

"Take her outside Sammy, make room for another one."

Very slowly, Sam steered the car from the garage and pulled it over to the side of the garage away from the house. Dean didn't really notice that Sam had put the car out of sight from the house and he also pocketed the keys, slipping them in his jeans pocket.

“Come on Sammy; let’s go throw together some sandwiches.” Dean told him as he wiped his hands before heading for the house. Sam didn’t answer, but followed him toward the house head down.

Bobby watched the two brothers stroll toward the house, one striding purposefully and strong and the other hunched and withdrawn.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The old house creaked and groaned with the settling sounds of the early morning when a lone figure moved silently in the shadows, making his way down the steps. Each foot was placed with care to avoid any squeaking to give him away. The lone lamp in the living room was dimly lighting the room allowing him to see more easily. He paused at the bottom of the steps and listened to the night sounds being sure he had not been discovered. With his bag clutched tightly in one hand, Sam eased toward the kitchen, the light reflecting off his drawn and troubled face. He glanced toward the hall that led to Bobby's bedroom, waiting for a several minutes to be sure he didn't come out.

Bobby knew every creak and groan of this old house and had a sixth instinct when something wasn't right inside its walls. He knew his brother was so exhausted his guard was down for the moment and was passed out upstairs. The only way to do what he had to was to get away clean without either hunter knowing he was gone until later in the morning. 

Satisfied no one was going to stop him, Sam slipped on into the kitchen only pausing long enough at a cabinet to pull the kit out and take what he needed before replacing it. He slipped the item in his bag, laid his phone on the counter before going to the door to slip out. He paused one last time, looking back sadly at a place he considered the closest thing to a home he ever had, besides the Impala which he had grown up in. With one final glance, he blinked back the tears and closed the door one last time. 

Sam pulled the keys from his jeans and quickly headed for the beat up car Dean had got running. He tossed his bag in the backseat and dropped behind the wheel. He pumped the gas a couple of times and turned the key hoping the engine would catch. He frowned and looked out the side window when the engine groaned and sputtered but didn't start. He drew in a shallow breath and tried again giving the gas pedal a pump and sighed when it coughed and began to run. He put it in gear and without headlights steered the car around the garage to head out via the junkyard hoping the engine noise was not loud enough to wake the two hunters in the house.

spn

The stillness was too quiet and Dean jerked himself awake, laying there for a moment trying to figure out what had him on edge. He looked over at the other bed and a saw rumpled, but empty bed, with no sign of his brother. He sat up and listened, trying to hear if water was running in the bathroom. The house was quiet, but for the occasional creak as it woke up for a new day. 

In one quick motion, Dean was up and walking into the hall looking up and down before looking into the open door of the empty bathroom. Not bothering to pull on his boots, he padded sock footed toward the steps looking around downstairs as he walked down the steps.

Dean heard clinking in the kitchen and relaxed slightly as he headed that way figuring Sam was making coffee. He stopped short when Bobby turned slightly to eye him.

"Somethin' wrong son?" he asked seeing the puzzled look on his face.

"Bobby, have ya seen Sam yet this mornin'?" 

"No, thought he was still upstairs asleep I hoped." 

"Sonovabitch." Dean spat as he ran for the stairs taking them two at a time and running to their bedroom. He skidded to a stop and surveyed the room looking for what should of been there but wasn't. It hit him like a punch in the gut when he saw only one bag sitting in the floor by the beds. It only took a second to put two and two together and realize what was going on.

Dean growled deeply in his chest as he pulled on his boots, stuffed clothes in his bag and retrieved his bathroom bag before heading back downstairs. Bobby looked up when he saw the young hunter hurry into the room with his bag in hand. 

"What's goin' on son?"

"Sam ran." he stated bluntly pulling out his phone and dialing Sam's number. 

Bobby looked surprised when a cell began to ring at the end of the counter. He reached over and picked up the cell showing it to Dean. Dean hung up with a grim look on his face knowing what Bobby was thinking. 

"Bobby, the other night when ya found Sam down here, what was he doing?" 

"Well, drinking and looking in the first aid kit..." Bobby started as his eyes suddenly widened. He reached around and jerked the kit from the cabinet seeing it was partly opened. He opened it, checking the contents before looking up at Dean.

"Good thing I'm paranoid.” Dean grunted opening his laptop and pulling up a cell carrier. “Hid a burner phone in his bag and turned the GPS on in case he did take off.” 

“Your car’s out there, how did he leave?”

“I’m thinking that junker I got running, it won’t get him far, but far enough I’m guessing.” 

Dean tapped a few more keys before a map came up and a stationary dot appeared on the screen. He looked at Bobby with a determined expression.

“Got him, he’s a few hours north of here in the middle of nowhere, they have cabin rentals. Let’s go.” he said slamming his laptop shut and sticking it in his bag before heading out with Bobby following close behind him. 

spn

“Son, you gotta tread lightly with yer brother.” Bobby said softly finally breaking the silence that filled the car. 

Dean clenched his jaw tighter and drew his lips into a mad thin line while a blood vessel in his temple throbbed. He had read enough about depression online to know exactly what Sam was doing and it pissed him off big time. He was beyond mad at Sam, but he was madder at himself for not pushing harder and getting Sam to talk to him no matter what it took. He prayed he would get to him in time.

“I hate to say this, but Sam’s given up, he has let this eat him alive until he can’t think straight. It’s pulled him so deep he can’t get himself out.” 

“He wouldn’t talk to me, I tried, I let him down. I should of pushed harder.” he replied through gritted teeth. “I should of...” he trailed off looking away to control the tears rimming his eyes. 

“All I’m saying is a little patience.” 

Dean didn't say anything else as he pressed harder on the gas pedal wanting to get to his brother. He tried not to think of what he might find. He had to believe he would be in time to stop him from doing this idiotic thing.

spn

Sam stepped out of the office and walked back to the car so he could move it down to the cabin. He had paid for a week so he wouldn’t be disturbed. He figured by now Dean and Bobby knew he was missing, but they wouldn’t know where to look for him since he left his phone at Bobby’s. He planned on leaving a note so they would be contacted once he was found. He wanted it all to end, to be over with once and for all. Sam parked by the side of the cabin and got out getting his bag out of the car along with a bag that had some power bars, waters, and a couple bottles of whiskey. 

The cabin was quaint and clean, a living room/kitchen combo and a bedroom with a bath off it. Sam walked in and placed his bag on the bed and the other on the counter. He sat the waters in the small fridge and the whiskey’s on the counter.

After a quick salt of the door and windows, Sam went to the bathroom to take a shower. There was a nice shower stall and the pressure was good as he stood under the stinging spray, letting it wash away some of the stress and tension. He stayed under the spray until the water began to run cool before turning it off and stepping out to dry. Sam dressed in sweats and tee shirt and went to the kitchenette to grab the whiskey and a glass. He was bone tired since he hadn’t slept the night before or for that matter, he hadn’t had slept much at all for the past several weeks. He ran his fingers through his still wet hair pushing it from his face and out of his eyes.

Sam opened the bottle and poured a shot into the glass. He swirled it around, staring intently at it before stilling himself and downing it in one swallow. He tensed as the fiery liquid hit his empty stomach and sucked in a deep breath. Tears burned his eyes for a moment as his vision blurred. He poured another shot knowing he needed to pace himself. He wanted to be numb, but not so drunk he couldn’t finish what he was starting.

The fourth drink went down easier and Sam weaved unsteadily to the bed to sit down heavily on it. He opened his bag and pulled the pill bottle from it, letting it fall on the bed. He fumbled with the bottle as his fingers refused to cooperate. Sam discarded the glass and drunk straight from the bottle now as he leaned back against the headboard. The whiskey was hitting him fast since he hadn’t eaten anything substantial in a while. His eyes closed as his head tilted forward and he fell into a light doze. 

“Please Sam, you have to do this for me, I-I can’t do it myself.” Madison begged as tears streamed down her face. “Help me please. I don't want to hurt anyone else.” 

Sam looked into her pain filled eyes as his vision blurred. He felt the gun heavy in his hand knowing what she was asking of him. He sobbed in anguish and despair knowing he could not save her. He could feel her hands taking his trembling one and bringing it up to her chest, placing the barrel over her heart. 

“It’s ok, I want this.” she cried as he pulled the trigger. 

Sobs escaped his lips as he watched her fall to the floor in slow motion. He watched the light in her eyes slowly fade to leave only that dull, empty glaze. His breath hitched when she spoke to him from the floor.

“Sam, please, join me. It doesn’t hurt, there'll be no more pain or sorrow. You can find peace.” she told him reaching her arms up to him. "Come to me."

Sam jerked himself awake and looked around searching for Madison only to realize he was in the cabin. He closed his eyes and let the tears drip from them. He felt until he found the bottle and brought it to his lips swallowing a mouth full. His other hand found the pill bottle and clutched it tightly. With shaky hands, he fumbled with the lid, trying to pry it off until in frustration, he ripped it off spilling pills across the bed. Sam picked a couple up and brought them to his mouth, pausing for a moment as an image of his brother's face crossed his mind. It faded when Madison invaded his thoughts, summoning him. He sipped some whiskey to wash them down before picking up more from the spread.

spn

Dean slowed as he saw the sign for the cabin rentals and turned down the road heading for the small cabins in back of the one marked office. Dean spotted Bobby's car parked by the last cabin on the road.

“Bobby, take the car back home.” Dean said with little emotion. 

“You want me to come in?”

“No, I’ll take care of this, he’s my brother.” he answered pulling up to the cabin with the junker parked beside it. “Go on, we’ll be ok.” he whispered softly.

"You bring him home, no matter what." Bobby told him as his voice broke on the last word. 

Bobby looked at the young hunter he loved as his own son and nodded, knowing words were not going to change anything. Bobby got out of the Impala and walked to his car getting in and hot wiring it so he could take it home. He pulled away from the cabin and looked in the mirror to see Dean standing by the Impala watching him leave a look of dread plastered across his face. Tears clouded his vision as he brushed a hand across his eyes to wipe them dry.

spn

Not bothering knocking, Dean picked the lock for the door and pushed it open having the chain catch before it would open further. With one quick shoulder push, he had the door opened and walked in. He checked out the first room and saw an unopened whiskey bottle sitting on the counter. Dean continued to the bedroom and found Sam splayed out on the bed with an almost empty bottle of whiskey in one hand and pills scattered around him. Dean dropped his bag in a chair and hurried to his brother’s side. He took the bottle away and started searching for a pulse. He let out the breath he was holding when a weak pulse beat against his fingers. His worry turned to anger as he got to work.

Dean worked quickly, finding his first aid kit and grabbing a smelling salts capsule. He pulled his brother’s limp form up and broke the capsule under his nose. Sam jerked and tried to weakly fight Dean as his eyes fluttered open for a moment before closing again. The pills had not been in his system long enough for them to have too much affect on him. He was more drunk, that anything.

“Come on bro, you’re not going to like this next part.” Dean grunted pulling his brother to a standing position before grabbing a hand full of tee shirt and dragging his wobbly frame to the bathroom. 

Sam mumbled and coughed hard as Dean put the salts under his nose again long enough to get him slightly coherent. Dean pushed him down in front of the commode and grabbed his jaw tightly in his hand forcing his mouth open. Sam grunted and gagged slightly trying to get free from his brother's steel grip.

“Don’t bite me!” he ordered shaking his head slightly before sticking two fingers into his mouth causing his gag reflex to kick in. 

Sam could hear a voice talking to him as he tried to focus on getting away from that foul smell. He felt himself being pulled up and drug into the bathroom having the smell return again for a moment. A strong hand grabbed his jaw and pried his mouth open. He tried to fight but was too weak and wasted to resist. He felt something in his mouth and then suddenly the need to throw up overpowered him. Sam forcefully spewed the contents of his stomach into the commode. He tried to draw in a breath as another wave hit him causing him to upchuck more as he coughed and choked. Dean held him steady so he wouldn’t fall, brushing his hair back out of his face and slapping his back hard a couple of times. He wrinkled his nose from the all to familiar smell as Sam heaved again.

“Get it all out.” he mumbled to him softly. “I’m here.” 

Sam began to dry heave when his stomach was finally empty. He gasped and tried to catch his breath when a cup of water was put to his lips.

“Rinse.” a voice commanded waiting for him to comply. 

He sipped the water and swished it in his mouth to try and rid himself of the nasty, bile taste. After doing this twice he heard the voice again.

“Drink.” it commanded with an understanding there was no arguing, to do what he was told.

Sam took another swallow and let it sooth his raw throat. He was breathing in short panting breaths when Dean pulled him to his feet and turned him toward him. In one quick motion, Dean jerked his sweats down and his tee shirt over his head to leave him swaying in his briefs. Sam frowned doing his best to stay upright when Dean pushed him into the shower stall and turned the cold water on full blast. Sam sucked in a sharp deep breath before pulling away, trying to get out of the icy, needle sharp spray, but was held in place by a strong hand. The sudden coldness took his breathe away as he tried to drag in shaky mouths of air while his body shook uncontrollably. Adrenaline coursed through his veins making his heart pound hard in his chest. Dean didn’t relinquish his steely grip until he saw Sam was more sober than drunk. He shut the water off and pulled a towel off the rack shoving it into his brother’s trembling arms.

“Dry off and put your clothes back on.” Dean told him before turning and walking out.

spn

It took what strength Sam had left to lean against the wall and dry his body as best he could. His wobbly legs propelled him to the commode where he sat down before falling down. He used his foot to pull his sweatpants and tee shirt closer to him. Once he had his wet briefs off, he worked his feet into the sweats and pulled them up his long legs. Being careful to keep his balance, he got his tee and pulled it over his head and down his trembling body. He didn't know a body could shake so hard and stay together.

“You dressed?” Dean called to him waiting a moment before opening the door and looking in.

Sam looked up into his brother’s emotionless face and tried to stand. Dean grabbed his arm and pulled him roughly out into the bedroom, stopping his forward motion in the middle of the room but not letting go of his tight grip. 

“You selfish bastard!” Dean growled at him getting up in his face. Sam’s eyes widened as he tried to back away from Dean's onslaught, but was held in place by the tight grip he had on his arms. “How could ya even think of doing somethin' like this? This isn't you, you're better than this. Damnit Sammy! Why didn’t ya talk to me? Let me help ya with this.” Dean begged shaking Sam’s body hard to get his point across. He squeezed his eyes shut as his expression changed from one of hurt and pain to one of anger and rage. “If this is what you want...Fine...Here...” he screamed pressing his gun into Sam’s hand and holding the barrel to his chest. “Let’s start with me ‘cause if there’s no you, there’s no me. Don’t you understand? I’m nothing without you; we’re two halves that make a whole.” 

Sam’s stared in shock at Dean as he tried to pry his fingers from his brother’s gun. He tried to follow his words, but the only thing he could understand was Dean was ready to die too. He looked into his brother’s pain filled eyes as tears ran down his angry face. 

“Don’t ya get it, I have no life without you in it.” he sobbed softly. "There's no reason for me to live if you don't live. You're all the family I got left, I can 't lose you too."

Sam finally managed to force the gun down and away from Dean’s chest. He tossed it on Dean’s bag before facing his brother again grabbing hold of his arm to help keep him standing.

“Dee...” he croaked, coughing to clear his throat so he could continue. “I never meant to hurt ya. When I had to ki...Something broke in me...I was so full of guilt, sorrow, pain...The nightmares...Seeing her face every time I closed my eyes...The bullet wound and blood...Having to relive that over and over...Madison telling me to join her...” he trailed off looking down at the floor letting the tears flow freely.

“Wait, say that again.” Dean asked confused by his last words. 

“What, say what?”

“Madison was asking you to join her?”

“Yes, not at first that was only the shooting, but lately she talks to me after she’s dead. Tells me the pain will stop, it doesn’t hurt where she's at and I can join her.” he said still not understanding Dean's question.

“God Sammy, it sounds like she’s haunting you.” Dean frowned gripping his arm. 

“Why would she do that? And how could she be doing it?” 

“Hold on.” Dean said pulling his phone out to call Bobby.

“Dean, son how’s Sam?”

“Bobby, you know any hunters in San Francisco?” 

“Yeah, I’ve got a few contacts why? What's going on Dean?”

“I need you to call them and do a salt and burn for me.”

“Come again?”

“The girl I told you about Madison, the one Sam had to kill, she’s haunting Sam, trying to get him to kill himself. Her bones need to be burned, she's buried in San Francisco at the Forest Lawn Memorial Cemetery.” Dean rushed on. “Hurry Bobby.”

“I’ll call ya back.” 

spn

Dean hung up his cell and turned back to his brother. Sam’s strength and adrenaline rush was gone as he stumbled slightly before Dean grabbed him and steered him to the bed. He tossed his phone carelessly on the nightstand by the bed.

“Come on you’re freezing.” Dean whispered pulling the covers back from the bed and pushing a trembling Sam down on it.

Sam didn’t protest when Dean put him to bed. He watched through slit eyes as Dean grabbed the bottle of whiskey and took a swallow before grabbing some sweat pants and going into the bathroom. He heard water running and the commode flushing before he came back out wearing sweats. Dean tossed his clothes on the chair before walking to the bed and sliding in beside his little brother, pulling the covers up over both of them. Sam felt the strong, safe arms of his brother wrap around him, pulling his cold, shivering body up next to his warm one. He shivered and snuggled closer to his big brother drawing on his warmth and relaxing into him. Sam fisted Dean’s shirt in his hand never wanting to let go. He knew everything was going to be ok now, his brother was here and would take care of him like he had been doing his whole life. Sam felt like a five year old again after having a nightmare and Dean was there to comfort him, letting him sleep with him for the rest of the night. 

“I got ya bro, it’s gonna be ok.” Dean said quietly as he rubbed Sam’s back to help warm him. He began to hum softly the old Beatles tune their Mom used to sing to them, Hey Jude. Sam listened to his brother's humming, letting his eyes close as his body gave in to the exhaustion and stress he had been under, letting it pull him into the blackness of dreamless sleep. Dean felt Sam's body go limp against him and his breathing evened out as he continued to hum softly. His eyes grew heavy with sleep, but he fought to stay awake waiting for Bobby to call back. He fought sleep for another hour before the weight of it took him under. Both brothers slept deeply clinging to each other afraid to let go. 

spn

Later in the day Dean's phone rang rousing him enough to answer it. He reached over with his free arm and snagged it off the nightstand and flipping it open.

"H'llo." he mumbled checking to be sure Sam was still asleep.

"It's done son." Bobby told him. "Go back to sleep and take care of that brother of yours and come on home when yer ready."

"Thanks, Bobby, we will." he yawned closing the phone and dropping it back by the lamp. 

Sam shifted in his sleep trying to get closer to Dean as Dean got comfortable again, now letting his mind shut down to get some much needed rest. He decided him and Sammy needed a break for a week or two, a vacation from all things monsters; they both needed to recharge. It would probably take that long for them to catch up on the sleep they missed. He needed to fatten Sam back up and be sure his mindset was back to normal, well as normal as he could get for his geeky brother. 

The room was quiet and still except for the soft snores of two brothers as they rested, neither caring about what the future or fate might throw at them, only caring that they were together and safe.

The End


End file.
